注意：以下内容来自于民间程序员HR的个人访谈经历进行小说化改编。非作者本人事迹。
正文开始:
很多程序员都以为做了部门经理就等于修成了正果。其实我想说不管处于哪一个岗位都是不完美甚至是充满瑕疵的,正所谓岗岗有本难念的经,在职场中根本没有正果岗位。
接下来我挑选一本我亲身经历的难念的经读给大家听一听。
我所在的公司是一家软件公司，主营业务是专门帮政府做定制化软件。俗话说常在河边走难免不湿鞋，公司业务性质决定了我们大部分时间需要和很多政府行业的人员打交道，逐渐公司内部企业文化也发生了一些同化效应，譬如在论资排辈的人事任命上。
上个月前任部门经理因为说不明道不清的个人原因离职了，而我是部门里工龄最长、资格最老的项目经理，于是我在公司高层们严谨的研究了一周后被任命为开发部新一届的副领导人,也就是升迁为部门副经理暂时性的代替部门正职经理履行职权。这是我们公司一贯的人事任命作风，俗称过渡期也是隐晦的考核期。
可以说我这次修成的正果完全是人家硬塞给我的果实, 从我个人自察的角度我其实并不是部门里最优秀的候选人，譬如我的同事小张远比我犀利的多，不管是在技术能力和团队管理能力上绝对更胜我一筹,只不过人家小张来公司才两年，论资排辈就算不是我也轮不到他。
新官上任三把火。以前我只负责部门一个项目条线，并且是很具体的负责,而我现在得同时负责部门三个条线的项目，不过负责的模式改变了叫做“分管”。
什么叫分管？用最现实的话解释就是“动口不动手”，因为很多具体的事情都有下属去做，这就是为什么下属还有个名词叫做“手下”。一个公司BOSS一般代表大脑，各个中层代表嘴，基层人员代表手，一线员工那就是腿了，当然还有人事经理等非主线业务领导都代表手，所以这些要素全部组成在一起才能成为一个完整的企业。
我很庆幸我终于成为了很多程序员都向往成为的“嘴”，这个世界上权和利是大多数为之奋斗一生的，我也不例外。我认为程序员在职场中如果上升到了一定高度那么“技术”这种很具体的词汇就会逐步淡出你的大脑，取而代之的就是权和利，你为之奋斗的目标会嘎然转向到这种无比庸俗的层面上来。
这就是为什么我们终将成为我们以前极其讨厌的那种人的原因，只不过我们无法察觉到自己的变化。
成为“嘴”的第一天我召开了全体部门会议。平时不注意，真当我成了部门经理后发现部门里三十多号人竟然还有个把不怎么认识。
“大家把最近的工作分别汇报一下吧!”我清了清嗓子学习前任经理的样子开始履行领导的官腔和作风。前任部门经理是一个四十多岁的老男人，资格老那是必须的也是他唯一的优势，不过这正因为这一点大家自然而然的对他都有几分敬意，看来年龄在职场中也是一种天然的撑腰剂。不过我暗中已经发誓：一定要做的比前任更加出色,否则对不起我那三十五岁还不到就有谢顶趋势的头颅。
“经理，我这边的项目工期实在太紧了,必须要增派些人手”，负责政府教育部门软件条线的项目经理A首先发话。
以前项目经理A和我关系一般,他属于埋头苦干型，对于我这种偏管理的项目经理向来是不屑一顾。
我记下了他的话,用的是笔。
这种请求在会议当场绝对不能表态，一来你此时可能还没有确切的了解他们的项目进度,其实很多项目的临时增派人手都并不是必须的；二来项目经理A的话一出其他项目组一定会效仿，以此来体现他们项目组也不是吃干饭的，这年头谁敢承认自己项目组工期不紧、人手不缺呢？
果然不出我所料，接下来几个项目经理和核心项目骨干都开始拼命倒苦水，各自讲各自的困难，并且一个比一个嗓门高，仿佛我们在进行着一场激烈的辩论赛。
我头疼欲裂，我如果偏向了A项目组势必会委屈B项目组，如果AB组都摆平，那C组又不干了。不过我作为能立刻做出决策的人对于他们都没有进行表态，只是一直低头接着笔记，默默的点头表示赞同不管我认可还是不认可的建议。
我本以为项目上的事情会是本次部门会议中全部，不过接下来发生的事很快证明我错了。
“经理，部门要去领面纸了，可是企管部让不让领，说我们这个月的额度用光了”，坐我一旁的经理助理小声告诉我。
“什么？企管部不知道我们部门人数最多吗？”我这才想起我新搬的独立办公室早就断纸了，好几次上大号我都是到大厅里趁女同事不在时抽人家面纸,想到这我表示我有“罪”。
“经理，张蓓蓓上周又跟我说要辞职，我挽留了好几次了，看来要你出马了”，这是客服组组长的工作汇报。张蓓蓓隶属于客服组，是公司有名的“撒娇辞职控”，这个绰号来源于她每次接到客户投诉电话或者其他让她稍感委屈的事情都会立马提出辞职，结果只需领导安抚一下便立刻收回辞职报告，因为她是某大客户领导关系安排进来的所以我们只能不厌其烦的进行关怀。我相信我前任的肩膀没少被她借过,而从此以后肩膀的主人就换成了我。
“经理…”接下来其他小组负责人的话我已经不记得了，我只知道那天我的笔记本被我记了满满三张纸直至我的水笔油尽灯枯。
回到办公室，我关上了办公室门。这时我得一个人静一静、缕一缕，我发现做项目经理和部门经理有个明显的不同就是前者只需管项目搞技术，而后者除了项目和技术还得负责部门很多其他杂事譬如每个月的卫生纸领取和发放。
我点了根烟开始陷入深思。
项目经理A拿着一张报纸推门而入。
“啥事？”我连忙把搁在桌面上的脚丫放了下去。我自从换了独立办公室后最惬意的事情就是可以上班的时候翘起二郎腿而且还能翘到桌面上，哪怕同时把袜子脱掉或者顺便修剪一下脚趾甲也无妨。
“经理，我们项目组的人手问题可千万得特殊照顾照顾啊，很多组员已经连续加班了一个星期了,实在太辛苦了”项目经理A声音带着哭腔。
我斜眼看了看项目经理A手中报纸，正好这厮用“IT男加班数日不幸猝死”的头条版面对准了我。
“我会想办法协调的,你们先好好干活，项目上千万不能出差错，人手不够可以适当加加班”我赶紧表示很关怀员工的生命安全但是同时希望A组要以项目为重，因为出了差错我可担待不起。
“B组其实项目上蛮空闲的，可以考虑从他们那调取一些人手”项目经理A开始走挖墙脚路线。
我表示可以考虑，送走了项目经理A我打电话让Ｂ组的项目经理到我办公室详谈。
“艹,A组才空闲呢！会议上我一直不好意思龇他丫的，经常看到A组的人上班时候在玩空当接龙,这也叫忙？。其实真正需要调配人手的是我们组”项目经理B愤愤的抛出满嘴的和谐词汇。
我承认这个年头竟然还能玩的下空当接龙可见确实有多么的空闲、无聊和没品位。
“我会想办法协调的,你先回去让你的组员好好干活”我的台词重复了。
我清楚的看到项目经理B出门时射向我的眼神充满了想和我肉搏的欲望。
C组的项目经理没来，因为我原来没有升迁的时候就是负责的C组，是老本家了。 C组新上任的项目经理至始至终都没来找我，我知道他不是没有困难而是不敢。
接下来的日子是我最尴尬和痛苦的日子，譬如到企管部协调卫生纸发放问题、安抚辞职控张蓓蓓、整顿上班时间玩空当接龙的工作作风问题、写不完的部门日计划和周总结月总结、协调部门两位新员工因为小矛盾大打出手的问题、按规定对员工内部恋爱的管制,以及还有其他很多无法用言语来形容的各种内部琐事。我亲力亲为的把上述琐事一一处理，但是事与愿违的是除了员工把空挡接龙改为了斗地主外其他问题都没有得到实质性的解决。
那天晚上我第一次放下“男人的自尊”向我夫人诉苦，表示我工作压力很大。我夫人极不耐烦的听完后告诉我她只负责貌美如花，那晚我表示真的郁闷的想撞墙。
我突然觉得公司这种升迁你之前先让你干段时间副职还是很有道理的，一方面是为了考察和过渡;另一方面也可以说是为了员工本身考虑，万一你自己觉得干不来还有缓冲的余地。我其实一直有种冲动，那就是PS一份“某部门经理IT男长期处理内部琐事猝死街头”的头条新闻报纸跑到BOSS办公室坦白我干不下去了。
不过世事总是难料，有失也必有得。公司几个项目的收款问题我处理的非常好，并在技术层面上配合销售部门把公司认定为“坏账”的项目尾款收了回来，这件事让BOSS对我刮目相看。
“虽然内部管理稍有混乱，但是对外能力还是不错的,值得进一步培养和深造”这是BOSS对我转正考评的评语。
我知道BOSS的软肋就是能帮他收回钱，这叫”功”可以坦荡荡的抹杀”过”。
我联系上了我的前任，并好酒好饭的招待了他，目的是向他取取经,此时我已经知道前任是因为没有找准了BOSS的软肋才自己离职的。前任毫无保留的向我传授经验，一杯接一杯的啤酒下肚后，前任问了我一个至关重要的问题：你经常对下属说的一句话是什么？
我搜刮了大肠和小肠并把我说过的话进行分组聚合统计，终于想起来一句话：“好好干活，少给我添麻烦”。
前任笑呵呵的告诉我他以前常说的一句话是“好好干活，万事有我撑着”。
“这并不是简简单单的一句话，而是你必须持有和这句话同等效应的心态”这是前任临走时拍着我的肩膀跟我说的最后也是最重要的一句话。
我突然发现我“有罪”。
我开始反复锻炼这种心态，并持有着这种心态运用到工作当中去。当A组项目出现问题时我亲临用户现场用我的三寸不烂之舌解决了问题；当发现B组确确实实人手不够时，我毅然从我心爱的C组调配了三名大将进入B组；我调查发现张蓓蓓负责对接的客户确实难缠的让你会得精神分裂，为此我特意调配了一名新员工作为张蓓蓓的助手分担精神压力；在办公用品的领取问题上，我经常到企管部抽面纸上大号，以此进行无声的抗议。
就这样过了一个月后我猛然发现，部门里的空当接龙现象消失了、张蓓蓓这个月只提了一次辞职、各个项目组不再天天喊着要人手充数、企管部对我们部门的卫生纸供应量提高了两倍,为此大部分女同事笑了，我也从上至下的笑了。
两个月之后，我转正为部门正职经理。
话说古时候皇帝有三宫六院，皇帝能够指挥千军万马管理整个国家事务却没有哪个皇帝能够把自己的三宫六院协调好，甚至有的皇帝衰败在了自己的后宫手中。我发现作为了一个企业的部门经理也等同于拥有三宫六院，很多部门一把手能够把对外事务处理的井井有条却处理不好内部事宜。问题在哪？我认为不仅仅在于个人业务能力，管理者应有的胸襟和心态也是非常重要的，否则就会出现外院莺歌燕舞，内院天天起火的现象。最后希望各位处于囧途的部门管理者，不要让下属成为你头疼的三宫六院，而是让他们真正成为你并肩作战的士兵。
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以上内容转至沈逸的Bolg
http://blog.51cto.com/shenyisyn/1395282
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